One year

It’s been a year.

For awhile, that was all I was going to write here. I didn’t know what to say. I’m still not sure what to say. I have many stories. Many thoughts. All of them feel small. Inadequate. How do you write about a person? All of them. How they feel, how they sound, what they do, how they act.

I struggle that what I share of Matt with Ellie will be small. She will not know him for who he is–for all he is. But I need her to know him, even if it’s just a small part. So I keep telling stories.

When we moved to the farm, herons became my talisman. It was always special when I spotted one at the pond or flying overhead. That’s one of the reasons I chose a picture of a heron to hang over my nightstand in our bedroom.

Audubon print of a heron in my bedroom

Herons took on even greater significance during Matt’s illness.

I saw herons more than ever.

Heron wading in the pond

Wading at the pond, flying over the fields, in the east field (where I had never seen one before), out hiking with my friends. Twice, we even saw a heron flying over the highway as we were traveling to the hospital. Surrounded by concrete, asphalt and traffic, no water in sight, we saw herons.

These sightings gave me a lot of comfort.

Heron wading in the pond

On Saturday afternoon, as Ellie played joyously in the leaves outside, I saw a heron flying overhead. It glided down and landed in the pond. And I knew Matt was with us.

It has been a year. But I have never felt alone. It has been a year, but we fill each day with love and joy.

8 thoughts on “One year

  1. Julia, May the beauty and grace when seeing the lovely heron birds forever give you peace knowing Matt is watching over you and Ellie.❤️

  2. What a beautiful tribute. And gorgeous pictures of the heron at the pond, and Ellie! Wow, look at her! She has grown and changed so much. Matt would be (is) so proud of both of you. You’ve weathered such a hard year and held onto the love every day.

  3. On October 22nd I was on the Don Valley Trail and witnessed a heron perched on a rock in the river. As I was trying to get my phone out for a photo, it flew away, revealing it’s massive wing span and incredible grace. I had never seen one before during my many, many hikes along the path, coincidental.

  4. I couldn’t remember the exact day but I knew it was getting close. I am thinking of you and Ellie and praying for your comfort.

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